Self Awareness

Are you honest with yourself?

Nov 21, 2025

Over the next few weeks I’m exploring four elements of Emotional Intelligence (EI for short but also known as EQ) and how we can develop our EI to improve both our wellbeing and our relationships. While there is some research to suggest that there is a percentage of people who may be unable to develop their EI for various reasons, I’ll be aiming this series at the majority of people who have some emotional awareness and an ability to build on that foundation.

EI is said to be made up of Self Awareness, Self Management, Empathy, and Social Skills. I’ll define each one in turn, highlight the research behind its importance, and then provide a few resources and activities that are designed to develop the skill.

What is self awareness?

“There are two parts to self-awareness: internal and external. Internal self-awareness means knowing your values and personality strengths and weaknesses. External self-awareness means knowing how other people see you. The two parts are independent of each other. A person can be high or low on both scales, or high on one and low on the other.” Tasha Eurich

We may think we are aware of our abilities, beliefs, and emotions, along with how we interact with those around us, but we are very good at deceiving ourselves. We are also very good at undermining self awareness by ruminating on negative emotions or making value judgements on actions we can’t fix.

Increasing self awareness develops the skill to recognise why we are feeling or acting a certain way, helps us to reflect on such moments with curiosity rather than judgement, and to look at how we can respond in a more appropriate and healthy way in future. Guilt and shame are just as much the enemies of self awareness as pride and over-confidence.

The need for self awareness

Research shows that those who have better self awareness are: more resilient, better decision makers, better leaders, able to develop stronger relationships, and more self confident. They also tend to have better job-related wellbeing1. Need I say more?

Self awareness for coaches

Self awareness is a vital skill for being an effective coach (just as it is for any role that involves listening to and leading others). Any coach needs to be able to recognise where they might inadvertently be leading a coachee to their own way of thinking. They need to be aware of their own inner dialogue and how that might be affecting their ability to listen. Coaches can be affected by a coachee sharing an event or emotion which then hinders their ability to coach well so they need to know their own emotional triggers. On top of that, awareness and control of body language and facial expressions which can easily convey value judgement, avoids inadvertently damaging the rapport and safety of the coaching session by making the coachee feel judged.

Developing self awareness

There are two aspects to self awareness. The first is internal. Giving yourself time to think about your own values and beliefs. Regular moments of reflection and journalling can also help review actions and emotions and whether you lived out of your values and beliefs or from instinct or external pressure.

The second aspect is just as important and helps combat self-deception - find colleagues, friends, and family who can give you honest feedback. Tools like Belbin, and Strengthfinder, are helpful but come with a price tag. The Johari Window, on the other hand, is free and can be a great starter for learning more about yourself and how others experience you. It is important to find people who are on your side, the critical friend who will be honest with you but in a way that builds you up rather than leaves you reeling from feedback that is overly harsh, unspecific, and ultimately you can’t do anything with.

Coaching can be helpful in developing self awareness. The coach is not there to give advice or direct what decisions the coachee should make, but is there to raise the awareness of their values, emotions, and priorities which will in turn, inform them in making and owning their decisions.

“Usually, it is overconcern with results that leads to overcontrol and decreased feel, so change your goal to increasing awareness. Pick any awareness technique and increase your focus on whatever feel is there. Don’t judge it as good or bad; merely observe it. Feel will pick up immediately, and improved results will follow as a matter of course.”
― W. Timothy Gallwey, The Inner Game of Golf

Whatever goal, emotion, or desire is being discussed in the moment - the coach needs to remain curious to ask questions that help the coachee be curious rather than judgemental - to help them be more self aware.

Get stuck in…

Self awareness takes honesty, humility, and effort. While there are a lot of tools that are said to improve self awareness, you can start by asking yourself some questions:

What are my core values that I want to live by? (An activity by James Clear helps with answering this question)

What emotions have I felt today and how did they impact how I acted and decisions I made? How would I like to act in future if I feel the same way?

And to someone you trust you can ask,

“What do I do that you most appreciate about me? What do I do that most annoys you?” (as seen shared by Tasha Eurich on LinkedIn)

For further resources on self awareness and more detailed activities and frameworks for reflection, check out the resources and articles below.

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