Should the man be in charge in a relationship?
A response to a youtube reel by "The Powerful Man" channel
Does being a man mean that you should be in charge in a relationship? This video that came up on my FB feed says they should:
The video starts off with the line, “One of the biggest gifts a man and his masculinity can give to his woman is to shut her brain off”. The speaker says she teaches this all the time and is what “The Powerful Man” is all about - the man should lead, plan the date, drive, tell “his woman” what to wear, and to say “tell me whats going on, tell me what you’re feeling”. The end goal is that the man will “step more into his masculinity” and “she’ll be able to soften into her femininity” and the final conclusion is that she should, “not be in charge“.
There are multiple issues in this video regarding its assumptions on relationships between men and women. One standout issue is is that there are pieces of truth in it. We men can be too passive and could often be more proactive in our relationships. Some men in some relationships are being led by their spouse in an unhealthy way. Some men never ask their partner what they are thinking or feeling.
The little bits of truth, plus the fact it is being said by a woman, make the conclusion feel like it could be true - especially to straight men, which is clearly their target audience.
However, the conclusion in this reel demeans women by telling them they need to: “soften into their femininity”, need their brains to be “switched off”, need to be told what to wear, where to go, and need to be led. The video’s solution uses a masculine vs feminine binary frame which is not a solid foundation for the kinds of conclusions the podcasters are making. For one, this framing excludes LGBTQ+ people, or at least ignores their existence because by existing, they undermine the limited view of masculinity and femininity shared in this reel.
Definitions of masculinity and femininity are provably cultural and societal constructs that change through history1. There are some characteristics that men and women tend to emphasise but “tend” is the key word2. These are not fixed points that people should be pushed to emulate. Men can have feminine traits and women can have masculine traits, this doesn't make them any more or less of a man or woman. Simplistic views of masculinity and femininity, like the one in the reel, do not offer the most desirable characteristics for being a man or woman, let alone characteristics for a healthy relationship.
In my experience from working with university students, this framing of masculinity is creating unhappy men. It enables unhealthy expectations for what a relationship should look like, let alone what masculinity is. The expectation that the man should be in charge is creating a fragility in men who see challenge or disagreement by a woman as a threat to their core - the opposite of the strong men they desire to be.
In wider society, men are seeking purpose, are more lonely than ever, and more men are blaming the world but more specifically women and feminism for their problems. A study by Equimondo on the State of American Men in 2023 highlighted that while restricted views on masculinity in terms of never apologising, being dominant, able to use violence etc. did benefit the man in his sense of purpose, they were all linked to greater social harm.3
Telling men they are leaders simply because they are men added together with unhealthy expectations about women, isn’t helping stop misogyny, isn't helping men learn to manage their emotions, and it is limiting their ability to have healthy relationships. However the view is attractive to men because it is giving them a clear sense of purpose, albeit a destructive one. Dr Gottman found that “when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.”4
The other side of this coin is that violence against women is most often perpetrated by their intimate partners or family members. The statistics are dire: “In 2023, around 51,100 women and girls worldwide were killed by their intimate partners or other family members… While 60 per cent of all female homicides are committed by intimate partners or other family members, only 12 per cent of all male homicides are perpetrated in the private sphere.”5
“Behaviours intended to control women’s bodies, autonomy and contact with others are also strongly correlated with an increased experience of intimate partner violence.” UN Women
There must be a better way for men to find purpose that doesn’t have such a detrimental impact on women. While I won’t be discussing purpose as much in the rest of this article, it will certainly be something I explore in future blog posts.
From my coaching training, a better framework for navigating healthy relationships is Transactional Analysis (TA)6 which I’ve written a bit about already. If you aren’t aware of the language around ego states (child, adult, parent) I recommend reading my article or watching this first:
Using TA to analyse The Powerful Man reel, we are told that the man must change from being a man-child to a man-parent. In so doing, the woman moves from being a woman-parent to a woman-child. As shown in the TA video, this may serve partners to a degree but over time creates just as unhealthy a dynamic as an authoritarian woman.
Where the man-child has been patronised by the woman-parent and never challenged to step up to do the dishes, plan a date, or generally be proactive in the relationship, the solution as presented by the video is that the man should parent the woman and it is the woman who goes into a child-state. It should go without saying that adults don’t need to be told what to wear and what to do but sadly this idea of the man being in charge and controlling the relationship is being pushed across society as “masculinity”. Authoritarian partners are provably bad news for healthy relationships and families - no matter their gender.7
Healthy relationships are where two adults are both operating in the adult-state. Our ego states can shift healthily - we may be legitimately upset to a point we cannot think rationally, at this point we are in a child-state but this is totally healthy. There is a point where our emotion subsides and we are able to think more clearly and return to our adult-state. A person in a parent state may be nurturing and supportive but if it is the default state it can lead to patronising and overbearing behaviours. There are positives to each state but parent and child states are not the ideal defaults for a healthy, rational, equal relationship.
What is healthy is when the man-child is enabled to become a man-adult - proactive but not overbearing, supportive but not patronising, able to show emotions but keeping them under control.8 A healthy relationship is a partnership, created by the two being adults, not falling into a parent-child relationship which this video seems to be encouraging. If you are talking about one person in the relationship being “in charge” then you are not talking about a relationship of equals.
If two adults are acting in the adult-state and have decided together that the woman is able to lead in various areas, whether those areas are traditionally masculine or not, then that couple is operating healthily.
Humans are complex beings operating in complex social networks. Anyone claiming that to be a man/woman you should act in one particular way is promoting an over-simplistic view of the world that in the long run will be detrimental to future relationships with the opposite sex. The world needs more men and women to operate in the adult-state, it doesn’t need more men to think they deserve to be obeyed or followed just because they are a man.
What has been highlighted to me as I’ve dug into recent studies and surveys on masculinity is that purpose, or the lack of it, is a big issue. Men are finding a quick fix in a restrictive view of masculinity that benefits their sense of purpose but leads to harm around them. As a society, but more specifically as men, we need to show there is an alternative that is better for all. For now, that discussion will have to be taken up in future posts.
Are you navigating issues raised by this article? Purpose, emotional intelligence, confidence, or relational dynamics can all be explored in a coaching relationship. In fact coaching may well be one of the most helpful interventions for men according to this study! I’d be happy to discuss with you if a coaching session is a helpful next step.
“Masculine ideologies are multiple and vary between people and groups. They are constantly changing based on the meanings constructed through relationships with ourselves, others and the world (Kimmel, 1994, 2000)”. An exploration of masculinity and both the positive and negative impacts of current dominant masculine norms have on men: Mens Minds Matter.
“Research shows that the “Big Five“ personality traits of psychology -- openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism -- do not categorically vary between men and women. Contrary to stereotypes, women were not found to be significantly more intimate in their relationships, and science inclination did not overwhelmingly favor men. And masculinity and femininity, the study found, “are not all-or-nothing traits...they are truly a continuum.”: Psychology Today
A 2003 survey of American men highlights “40% of all men say they trust one or more “men’s rights,” anti-feminist, or proviolence voices from the manosphere; nearly half of younger men say they trust such voices. Men aged 18 to 23 have the least optimism for their futures and the lowest levels of social support.” State of American Men
Gottman.com: Manage Conflict: Accepting Influence
A written introduction to Transactional Analysis: Simply Psychology
“A spouse with an authoritarian style typically induces long-term feelings of frustration and resentment, with their spouse often feeling controlled and even suffocated.” Psychology Today
I don’t think people realise that this is a actually a modern movement.
So the answer is no - God should be in control.