Growing Confidence
There is no silver bullet but there are things that provide the right ground for confidence to grow.
A couple of months ago I wrote about how focusing on being happy can regularly mean we never achieve it. I'm finding in coaching that confidence, or the lack of it, is a big issue that people are looking for help with.
The most helpful forms of coaching aid with self reflection, build resilience, and challenge limiting beliefs. Decisions, goals, and outcomes of the session are owned by the coachee which, in turn, builds real self confidence rather than a reliance on the coach.
Confidence, like happiness, isn't something that can be sorted with a few steps, but there are some things we can do that over time will provide the right ground for it to grow. These are things I would bring into a coaching session to help someone grow in confidence. I don't think it's anything ground breaking but having someone work through these things by listening, questioning, and reflecting back can break through negative self talk and doubt.
Recognise negative self-talk
A substack article by Diana popped up on my feed recently on this theme and I thought their starting point was right on the money. How do you talk about yourself? Do you already tell people you are not confident? Stop! Words have power and the more you tell yourself you aren’t something, the more likely that is to be the case!
Recognise the power of action
One of Kim Foster M.D’s 6 Confidence Secrets to Build Self Esteem QUICKLY is “Confidence is a Muscle”. Little actions practiced over time will grow confidence. Confidence is about action and “building a portfolio of proof” as Dr Foster puts it, that you can do the hard stuff and even if you have a setback the world hasn’t ended.
Recognise your wins
Confidence comes from knowing you are able to do hard things. Often we can go through life without recognising when we have pushed through something that challenged us. It may be that you have a good memory and you don’t feel that you need to write down successes, but if you are struggling with confidence, this is highlighting that your memory is prioritising failures or missed opportunities rather than successes. Start a journal, or a digital document, that helps your brain remember the times you overcame the challenge.
Recognise mindset
When I was a teacher, Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset became somewhat viral, with discussions on how to implement it in our classrooms. Recognising that many students saw failure as something that became who they were rather than those who had a Growth Mindset who saw failure as an opportunity to grow was revolutionary. The video below highlights the power of “not yet” rather than “I’ve failed” in transforming our relationship with failure.
Confidence is linked to our mindset, especially when it comes to how we view potential failures. If you can transform your relationship with failure to be a recognition that you’ve not achieved your goal “yet”, then you are on your way to growing in confidence as you tackle the challenge in front of you. Each time you tackle something that was difficult, recognise it as a win!
Recognise the power of accountability
If you are struggling to take action, making a public commitment can make a huge difference in your motivation to do something. Daniel Pink highlights in his video below on motivators to overcome procrastination that studies show a public commitment can boost likelihood of completing a goal to 65%, or a specific accountability partner who will follow up with you to 95%.
This is where coaching may be able to help with taking the small steps needed to start boosting your confidence. Feel free to get in touch if you want to explore this further!
Recognise your limitations
Your feeling of lack of confidence may just be that you don’t know enough or aren’t skilled enough to do what you want to do… yet! Are there steps you can take to boost your skills or knowledge in the areas that you are struggling with? There are so many resources out there that if it is a skill or knowledge gap that a podcast, book, or youtube video can begin to fill the gaps. If it is a skill that you are struggling with then you have to start practicing - a youtube video may give some support, but you have to act. Commit to practice, tell someone you are practicing, block it in your diary, and recognise even the practicing as “wins”.
Recognise “The Spotlight Effect”
Research has shown that we all tend to overestimate how much others pay attention to the way we behave or look. We prioritise our own feelings of embarrassment and worry about other’s perceptions far more than we should and often in a way that hinder us from our own goals.
When lacking on confidence in speaking out in a team or social situation the spotlight effect can be a hindrance to taking the step to ask a question or share an opinion. Even when you have spoken up, the spotlight effect can then make you overthink other’s perceptions on what you’ve said. It is humbling to know that people tend to think about you less than you might realise. It is also helpful to know that they’re less likely to be judging you as much as you judge yourself - which takes us back to recognising self-talk!
Recognise there isn’t a silver bullet
In conclusion to all of this, none of these things will magically move you into the confident person you want to be instantly! It takes effort, patience, and time. By putting these things into action though you can set yourself up for growth. Over time, your portfolio of proof that you can do the difficult stuff will help you recognise that where you once didn’t have confidence, you now do.
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